by K-Phil

In recent years we have seen a proliferation of personal digital music players. Walking around with a boombox on your shoulder blasting RunDMC has gone the way of Seven Card Stud and the Sunday Drive. Not everybody has one of Apple’s iPods, but most have at least some similar means of getting they personal mobile concert on. (I did see a dude at the gym last week who had a CD player and a book full of CDs with him and he was changing discs while seated on the incline bench–“I’m sure I can put up more weight more times if I put Track 4 from Smashing Pumpkins Gish on.” Holmes needs to check into some technology. I think it is here to stay…)

Out of boredom and lack of workout motivation, I took a tally at the gym on Saturday. I counted 8 out of 10 worker-outers had some kind of headphones on (side note to the terrible 70’s rock station playing over the PA: you and the proverbial Sunday Drive eh?). 7 out of 10 were using the in-ear variety commonly known as “earbuds.” I am talking specifically about the compact earphones that fit in the ear; not over it, not around the neck, not clip on, and certainly not the monster-sized over-the-ear ones like the players wear when they get off the team bus and file into the locker room before the big game.

I am an habitual late adopter so I have only owned my iPod Shuffle for about a year. It came standard with a set of entry-level earbuds. At first blush they seem a simple thing. Ubiquitous to be sure. But if you’ve found yourself needing a replacement, you know there is a wide range of options. On the low end you can replace your buds with a no-frills set for 10 bones. Made in China no doubt. If you want to get nutty, you can pick up a pair of Shure brand “Sound-Isolating Ear Bud Headphones.” They have a handy “Push-to-Hear” control so you can hear what’s happening around you instead of your digital concert. Their triple “TruAcoustic MicroSpeakers” each have a tweeter and dual woofers for top-notch sound. Throw in the “Level Attenuator” and these babies can be yours for 500 clams. Most of us are probably somewhere closer to the low-end (maybe I just think that to make myself feel better for owning the potentially harmful Chinese made 10 dollar shites while everyone else is sporting the half-a-grand models).

With all of us running around with our earbuds on, I think it is about time somebody put down on paper some engagement protocols. Some universal behaviours or signals we can all agree upon and then use should the need for actual conversation occur. I call them “Earbud Politics” and take herewith my first stab. Now I know most of us roll earbudded wherever we go (grocery store, mall, farmer’s market, county fair, airport, therapist, gym) but these rules are intended to be used primarily at the gym. Call it a proving ground. We can go global with them later as we perfect them. In the following guidelines, I will refer to myself–the person wearing the headphones–as “I” and everyone else who might approach me as “you.” Nothing personal.

Situation 1: “I am glad to see you and am happy to talk it over.”
Protocol: I make a visible move to the Pause or Stop button on my digital music player (hereafter referred to as “iPod”) and remove both earbuds from my ears and let them fall and hang down. This can also be accompanied by a big smile and wave or in my case, a gang-sign-like motion with both hands over my head. Expect a lengthy conversation.

Situation 2: “I acknowledge that I know you and a few words of greeting are appropriate.”
Protocol: I make a visible move to the Pause or Stop button on my iPod and remove and drop a single earbud. Commonly accompanied by a dude-nod and a subtle wave or a clicking of the cheek like the cowboys do when they giddyup they horsie. Conversation is welcomed, indeed expected.

Situation 3: “I acknowledge that I know you but would prefer to stick to a perfunctory exchange of greetings.”
Protocol: I make no motion to the Pause or Stop button. I remove one earbud only but keep ahold of it in my right hand. If the conversation drags on past basic “howdydoos,” I make repeated motions as if to replace the earbud. It really says I would rather hear my music than talk to you. Please recognize and move along.

Situation 4: “I have no interest in talking to you.”
Protocol: I make no motion to the Pause or Stop button. I don’t even reach for the buds. I might even give you the Dixie Land (look away, look away, look away Dixie Land). In extreme cases you might notice I am singing along in earnest, perhaps with eyes closed to show I am really into the song and can’t be disturbed. If you miss all these cues and start talking to me, be advised I will be talking loudly without realizing it and others in the gym will stare at us. It could be an ugly scene.

Four simple rules. How hard could it be? Let’s all agree to give these the ol’ college try and see what happens. I mean let’s face it: what you do with your earbuds–whether intended or not–sends a message. We might as well all be on the same page.