by K-Phil

I am, perhaps, uniquely qualified to criticize what I think is odd behavior and/or attire at the gym. You see, a skinny, old, bald dude like me could be considered quite out of place in the weight room. However, since I have set my pride aside and subjected myself to the potential ridicule that might follow me in there, I am able, ready, and willing to cast the first stone at anyone who is even the slightest bit out of place.

Today I saw the cake taker.   

This guy’s costume consists of a button-up, black, short-sleeved shirt, nicely pressed polyester slacks, and desert sandals (despite the posted warnings against open-toed footwears). His uncomfortable smile displays a prominent row of white upper teeth, their whiteness further celebrated against his skin of cafe-mocha. He is the spitting image of Hicham Elgerouj with a splash of Said Aouitta thrown in. He wears the sleeves of his shirt rolled up as if to expose more of his monster python guns. Sadly his biceps muscle is nothing more than a thin band of tissue that runs down the length of his Humerus. If he were a background actor on the set of “A River Runs Through It,” his arms might occasionally disappear behind the fishing line as it swishes through the air on a “four count rhythm and a hope that fish will rise.”  

Far too often for my taste, this guy flexes his bicep and looks at it closely. I’m not sure if his look says, “Yes, check you out! You’re huge!” Or if it laments “why won’t you grow”? Either way it’s laughable to me that he thinks his bizarre random wandering “workout” is going to yield any results. Aside from the fact that he is fighting his own body type (shoulda been a marathoner), he clearly has no clue what he is doing in there.

He slowly walks up to the pull down machine, grabs the handle, tries to pull it down, can’t budge it, checks his flex, and wanders to the next machine. He stops at the Dip/Chin-up Assist. He walks up the steps, grabs the handle above his head, steps on the assist step, hangs there for a second, then lets the weight back up by bringing his knees up to his chest, presses it back down, repeats several times, then dismounts and checks his guns. Hmmmm, no change? Go figure.